Hell is not a fiery abyss.
Hell is the self-deprecating thoughts that eat away at your mind; the knowledge that you are not enough. You will never be enough. You’re broken, and that will never change. No one will see you; they will see your cracks, the chips of broken pieces, the scars that never leave. Some will try to fix you, only to leave cracks of their own, while still others will hurt with no premise at all. You are not enough.
Salvation, then, is knowing that you are enough for someone. Someone will not just look past the chips and broken bits, but embrace them as part of who you are. You are not broken, you are unique.
Which, then, is the truth, and which is the lie? Is it Hell or Salvation where you reside?
She fell asleep,
She fell in love,
She fell into depression.
She’s always falling when I meet her,
As if it never crossed her mind to try to rise.
Reaching out doesn’t help her,
It pushes her down instead of opening her eyes.
I hold out my hand to reach her,
But she refuses to see outside her lies.
Sometimes I am like the girl,
I can’t do anything but fall,
As I rapidly make my descent,
I wonder if anyone’s there at all.
Maybe they’re trying to reach me,
But, like the girl, I am deaf to their call.
I am falling asleep,
I am falling in love,
I am falling into depression.
Just when I thought it was over, my dreams proved me wrong.
The fear and anger and hurt returned, playing a frightening song.
Body restful with closed eyes, soft breathing through parted lips.
Mind racing with dark dreams, running from a ghostly ship.
The ship carries a wave of emotion, the cargo, my broken soul.
The memories always leave me breathless, drowning me and taking a toll.
I haven’t escaped what happened, I doubt I ever will.
My soul has broken to pieces, and it is broken still.
I want to be comforted without the pity that comes with knowledge,
Arms around me when I’m crying, not because of what was, but what is.
I don’t want to look into eyes full of sadness at what was lost,
Anger at what had been done, pity for the girl it happened to.
I want to look into the eyes that reassure me that it will get better,
That sadness will go away, that I won’t have to be like this forever.
I want to look into eyes that are warm and comforting in ignorance,
Rather than the eyes that are cold with pity for the poor broken girl.
I want the impossible.
I held it all once within my hands,
Only to watch it fade away.
My love, my life, my ideal land
All turned to dust, to my dismay.
I was in love once, I had it all,
But my life crumbled to the ground,
And I watched my memories through cracks fall,
Emptiness around me now profound.
What have I done?
I threw it all away,
I scorned the sun,
Now I never have day.
My desolate hands
Grasp at what I once had,
Clutching at sand,
Mind going mad
With the ramifications
Of my sins,
Atrocious enough to corrupt a nation
And leave my soul broken within.
I regret the day I let you walk away.